It’s already January 11, which means this is already 11 days late, but you know the saying, ‘better to be late than never’, right?
2017 was a really wild rollercoaster ride.
A lot of things happened to me, especially in the latter half of 2017. From May 2017-July 2017, I took a break from my regular VN work, because I had to focus on school related-things. To be more specific, I went on an internship this summer, for my major in college.
Everything was going perfectly well, until life probably decided that it was going too well for me. April rolled around, there was this huge hurdle that I had to overcome, but I did manage to get through it. I did.
But from then on, things took a turn for the worse.
I don’t usually post these things here, on this blog, but I just want to get it out. I usually keep my personal life separate from my VN life–from my life that you guys read about here– but I feel like sharing this part of my life right now.
(Trigger warning for depressed or suicidal people.)
The first bad thing that happened was going through a really horrible breakup with someone who I thought was already for the long-term. And that was right before my birthday. My birthday in 2017 was definitely the worst birthday I’ve ever had in my entire life. It passed by like a blur, because I had just been wallowing in sadness the whole day. I went out with some friends, but I just… felt empty. After that, everything was much more of a blur. I skipped a lot of classes, missed a lot of requirements, barely passed my exams. I tried to take ‘the easy way out’ twice. Both attempts failed, thanks to my friends and family who were very observant of me. My parents were already so worried, they tried to make me drop out of school. I really, really wanted to drop out, but dropping out would cause a few major ripples to my friends (I’m currently doing my undergraduate thesis, and if I dropped out, my thesis partner wouldn’t be able to graduate on time either, and I felt that she didn’t deserve that) so I just gritted my teeth and continued on with my semester. I was already depressed at this point and was undergoing therapy and counseling sessions so that I can go back to normal. But then, my maternal grandmother’s youngest brother suffered a stroke, which really affected my family greatly. And then, if that wasn’t bad enough, a close uncle of mine died from a heart attack. I watched my cousins cry over the untimely loss of their papa. Think that’s bad? Just a few weeks before Christmas, my paternal grandmother, who just turned 84 this year, suffered a stroke that left her unable to stand, let alone walk, anymore. But despite her loss of mobility, we’re honestly just glad that she’s still alive and well.
2017 was the worst year of my life so far. Definitely the worst. Never in my life have I spent a whole month crying my eyes out every single day. Never in my life have I lost 15 pounds in a week due to stress. Never in my life have I had so many bad things happen to my relatives in a span of three months. And never in my life have I sat crying in the bathroom, a bottle of pills in my hand, contemplating whether or not to just end things right then and there.
This year taught me that it’s amazing how much people can hide these things from other people. If you see all my pictures from this year, even from the latter half of this year, you wouldn’t know about all these. You wouldn’t know about all the nights that I spent crying by myself, tortured by my thoughts and nightmares. You wouldn’t know about all the days I spent walking around like a zombie, trying to pretend that everything’s fine when the truth is, everything was already falling apart. And you certainly wouldn’t know that just by looking at the surface, because all you’ll see is a happy girl with a warm smile.
2017 was one heck of a year, I’ll give you that. I almost gave up, but I’m really glad I didn’t. I’m glad I held on. I’m glad that I chose to believe in myself after all, in my friends, in my family. I’m glad that I chose to believe that there is still hope. I’m glad I didn’t choose to hit the ‘Quit’ button, because hey, in life, there’s no ‘New Game’ button. You have to keep going. But you can always ‘Pause’ and ‘Resume’. You can take some time off for yourself, you can take a rest every now and then. Life may be like a game, but for me, I think life is not a race. And if life throws you hurdles along the way, it’s okay to rest before taking on the next one. Even if they all come at the same time. 🙂
2017 may not have been my year, but I did learn to be much, much stronger. Or rather, I learned that I could be much stronger than I thought I was. And for me, that’s one very important lesson that I’d gladly take for the rest of my life.
And now, I’m excited for you, 2018! Bring it on! I’m ready~
Oh, and always remember, everyone: keep playing!